your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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