i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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