I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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