I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
