If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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