I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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