i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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