if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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