someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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