non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
