grandma shit on top of the toilet
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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