I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
