if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
