I think my vagina is haunted
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
