They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
