watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
