You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
