Dude my mom stole all your condoms
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
