I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
