well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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