I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
