i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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