how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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