Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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