So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
