im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
