you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
