just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
