i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
