We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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