why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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