I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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