a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Sorry my hands just texted you
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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