I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
