tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
