There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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