So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
