is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
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