I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
