so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
