I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
