you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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