At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
