how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
