I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
