I wanna bring you to show and tell
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
only if we run a train.
done.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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