Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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