a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Randomize
