The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
