Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Randomize
