I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
