i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Randomize
