I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
