Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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