you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
