I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
